Yep. The attraction happens when we meet someone on our level……not where we “want” to be, or think we “should” be. But where we actually are. They simply treat us the way we treat ourselves, and love us the way we unconsciously believe we should be loved. They hold up a mirror so we can see how worthy we feel about giving and receiving love. That’s why our primary relationships are the place where all of our shit comes up…..our adult attachment patterns are extensions of our childhood ones until we resolve them. How do we do this?
We start to become aware of our patterns, feel the feelings underneath whenever they arise, and step into the discomfort of doing something different. Only then can we realize that the battleground actually isn’t in our relationship……our battle (whatever that looks like for us) has been inside of us long before we even met our partner. So we learn to reflect instead of react. Or to feel an uncomfortable feeling and not immediately act it out (ie blame our partner for it, tune out/think about how much better life would be with another more “suitable” partner, etc).
As always, and I can’t stress this enough…..this is a PRACTICE. We may bring our type A/goal-oriented-ness or perfectionism to this practice (I’m guilty of this!), but this just results in more struggle and room for shaming ourselves when we don’t get it right (i.e. “oh my god, I can’t believe I’m stillll doing that thing where I can’t ask for what I need”, etc). So get curious and stay compassionate friends. This is a journey we all share. We’re all in this together.