And and and. AND being the operative word here.
So often we apply our very human meaning-making to these (not to mention all!) situations. “I miss them, which must mean that I should still be with them”. “I miss them, which means I must’ve made a mistake…..I wouldn’t miss them if I didn’t still want to be with them”.
Not true!!!! It is perfectly normal to miss someone AND know that you don’t want them in your life. Missing someone just means that that person was important to you, that they took up space in your life. And when they leave, it’s natural to feel the anxiety and sadness within the space that they once took up…..and instead of sit with the discomfort of this new void, we often immediately go down the road of “oh shit, I miss them which means I still want them in my life”. (Side note: in the heat of the moment, it will feel much more like “need” than “want”……there’s usually a sense of desperation present when we’re in this state……trust me, as someone who used to look to partners to give me a sense of self, I know this desperation well).
So friends, I challenge you to check in with yourself to see what you make missing someone mean. Instead of immediately jumping the gun and spiralling into a place of longing or “need” (which has more to do with you and your attachment history than the other person), can you sit with the space they once took up, and hold onto yourself there?